5 steps to Revive your Relationship
by Samantha De Bono
My clients will have heard me say many of these things before, but for those of you whom I don't see, you might find these tips helpful.
Being face to face with couples is much easier because these points can be put into the context of their own relationship and although Julie Gottman is talking to women in this particular article, the tips apply to both sexes. Have a look and see if you can implement any of the 5 moves in your relationship
1. SHOW YOUR PARTNER YOU REALLY CARE
When your partner wants some attention, respond to it rather than just ignoring it or saying something critical or negative. For example, if they look out of the window and say "that's a lovely sunset" look at what they are looking at and respond to it, instead of ignoring the comment, or worse, muttering something like "I'm trying to read here". Think how much better your relationship feels to you when your partner takes notice.
2. WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE
Watch out for phrases such as "You always..." or "You never...", they suggest character flaws and cause defensiveness, which, in turn, creates arguments. Instead, start the communication with "I" statements such as "I'm feeling upset" or "I'm feeling hurt..." or "I'm worried about..." then describe exactly why you are feeling bad in a neutral, factual way such as "I'm worried that the bills haven't been paid yet". Then follow up with an example "could you help with that by paying them tomorrow please?".
3. TAKE A CONFLICT BREAK
If you find yourself getting upset during conflict, stop the discussion for half an hour or so. In research, couples who maintained a fairly low heart rate could problem-solve better, think more creatively and really hear and empathise with their partner's feelings, which softened conversation and led to easier resolution. It's important to remember that although you have agreed to stop the discussion for a while, that you both agree on a time when the discussion will resume.
4. KEEP IN TOUCH WITH YOUR PARTNERS WORLD
Ask your partner questions every now and then to learn about who they are and how they may have changed. Research shows that successful couples know each other's internal world. They know their partner's favourite food or film as well as their beliefs about parenting, independence, work, family and so on. In short, they know who their partner really is deep down, because they are curious. It doesn't work to just make assumptions, so ask questions such as "would you change your job if you could? What would you do instead?".
5. LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNERS DREAMS
This means actually asking your partner "do you have a dream you haven't yet realised? How can I help you to live it?" What a difference that can make! We all have wishes and beliefs that we yearn to fulfil and who better to share them with than our loved one? But only if we trust our partner to listen to them and not dismiss them.
