Samantha De Bono Counselling Bromley

Bromley & Harley Street

tel: 07588 931 401

email me

Are you Dating An Abuser? (Part II)

I have split the warning signs of dating an Abuser up into 3 parts mainly because my blog was going on and on, but also because I imagined my readers falling asleep on their keyboards due to an overload of information in one go.


Here are more, very important signs that you may be dating an abuser.  Please remember that if your partner does one or two of these things, it doesn’t mean you have to sleep with your shoes on and one eye open, but if you have been feeling unsure of whether or not your partner is the real deal or not, or if you have been feeling uncomfortable about things, but can’t put your finger on it, then look at the signs in Part I, II and III and see if any of them fall into place.

The Detective:

The Abuser asks a lot of questions, wants to know the ins and outs of your life from early on. This, at first, can be taken as genuine interest in you, but watch, when you least expect it, he will use something against you. A client of mine (she has given me permission to share this) was born with a squint which could not be operated on her until she was 15.  She was bullied at school about her “wonky eye” and, as a result, became very introverted and shy and was still very self conscious even after her operation, which was a great success (she now has no sign of a squint).  Ten years later she met “the man of her dreams”, a sensitive, caring, attentive man, who showered her with love and devotion.  My client felt safe and secure enough with this wonderful man, to share her childhood torment and her secret. 

After all, he loved her so much that she could trust him with this delicate information and it would be held in a safe place - Nope!  It only took him 2 weeks to humiliate her with it. Sitting in a restaurant with friends, he said “are you tired or something? Because your eye looks weird” and then invited the friends to scrutinize her face to see if they too noticed her “weird eye”.  My client said she was immediately transported back to her childhood; she felt embarrassed, hurt and wanted to hide away.  On the way home she asked her ‘wonderfully caring’ boyfriend why he had put her through such an excruciating time.  His answer.... “oh for f*** sake, grow up and stop being so ultra sensitive...”.  What makes this story worse is the fact that she ended up apologising to him for being “too sensitive”.
 If you share something with a person, and they use it to hurt you – the writing is on the wall!

Bad Stories

The Abuser will talk disrespectfully about previous partners or others. He/she might tell you that the previous partner falsely accused them of abuse. People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. Normally people tell us stories that inform us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories of himself. An Abuser tells stories of being insensitive to others, violence, aggression, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they will tell you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person.

They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.