Samantha De Bono Counselling Bromley

Bromley & Harley Street

tel: 07588 931 401

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Are you Dating An Abuser (Part III)

Sweet & Sour Cycle

Remember at the beginning of this I talked about how The Abuser showers you with talk of love, devotion, attention and gifts? Well this is where the cycle starts, then when you are hooked and all loved-up, the next stage begins, hurtful remarks, bullying behaviour, scary temper tantrums, blaming you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship, you’re cursed at, shouted at, threatened and left utterly shocked, hurt, confused and alone. 


Then just as you are starting to wonder what the hell just happened and what you’re going to do about it,  you’ll get the Sweet part back – The Abuser will do all those little things he/she did when you started dating. You feel relieved that your loved one is back again and believe that it was just a bit of a wobble, but it’s all ok again now.  But it’s not, true to form, The Abuser comes round for his fix of control and abuse leaving you hoping each Sour Cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the Sour Cycle is to allow The Abuser to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Of course there’s every chance he/she will apologise, but if he/she was truly sorry, it wouldn’t keep happening and besides, the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

It's Always Your Fault

An Abuser blames you for all their bad behaviour.  YOU make him/her angry, YOU push his/her buttons, YOU wind him/her up.   When they cheat on you, shout at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you in public - it's somehow your fault. You should love them more, or you should not have questioned their behaviour. An abuser never takes responsibility for their behaviour - it's always someone else’s fault. If they drive recklessly and attempt to pull an innocent driver off the road to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his/hers) that “idiot” was driving too slowly or didn’t use their indicator, what do they expect the Abuser to do, just let it go? Ha! No way, forgiveness, easy going natures, laid back and kindness is for whimps!  Anyone who makes the Abuser angry (and it’s not difficult) deserve what they get!

It's Never Enough

An Abuser convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behaviour always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

Rough Treatment

An Abuser will hurt you on purpose. Initially he/she will start by punching a wall or banging a fist on the table, holding your arm or hand too tightly or pushing you to one side to move you out of the way.  When you mention this behaviour, the Abuser will say that he/she didn’t mean to be rough, it was your fault for standing in the way, or you shouldn’t have tried to pull your hand away, or try to walk away and therefore his/her rough treatment was justified. Male abusers often begin with behaviours that move you physically or they hit a door or a wall. Female abusers are more likely to slap, kick and even punch their partners when upset. Controlling females often hit themselves in a “look what you’re making me do” gesture.

Breakup Panic    

You have no right to break up the relationship!! The relationship breaks up when The Abuser says so! An Abuser often breaks down and cries (or certainly tries to) they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship.

Both male and female abusers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who are actually glad they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area – this of course will be ALL your doing! See what you’ve made the poor unfortunate Abuser do? You’ve MADE him/her move to a completely different area with no job. 

I’ve even heard that the Abuser will turn up at your house wearing clothes 2 sizes too big and tell you how much weight YOU’VE made them lose! You see, it’s STILL all your fault!  The Abusive partners  offers all sorts of “deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month, then if it doesn’t work, you can walk away" but of course you won’t be able to walk away that easily because The Abusers plan is to make that even more unlikely by holding on even tighter. Tying you up with financial commitments, like going half on a big purchase. Whatever they need to do to make sure you can’t leave, they will do!