Samantha De Bono Counselling Bromley

Bromley & Harley Street

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Freedom from your Ex

By Samantha De Bono

Okay, so you're probably not gonna like what I'm about to tell you. Why? Because I'm gonna tell you, you need to forgive your Ex.  Wait! Don't go, let me explain why and then you can decide whether you think I'm talking sense or b******s.

When we break-up, or are broken-up with, it is made slightly easier if we can blame the other person for everything that went wrong.  It makes it easier because we can hate that person and when we hate, we bring on anger and when we're angry, we find it easier to block out hurt and move away from the pain.

The problem with that is, it suspends us in that one place and we carry that baggage around with us.  We don't learn from what we've just been through, we just harbour resentment.  We don't grow.

So fast forward to the next relationship and what do you think we have? We have a ton of sh*t that we bring along because we learned nothing and it's all still with us.

This is where forgiveness comes in.  First off let me tell you what forgiveness IS NOT!

Forgiveness is not accepting your ex's bad behaviour.  Forgiveness is not saying "it's ok that you hurt me".  Forgiveness is not saying "I want you back". Forgiveness is not saying "you were right and I was wrong". Forgiveness is not saying "I forgive you, now you must forgive me."

Forgiveness IS saying "I don't want to carry this sh*t around anymore".  Forgiveness IS saying "you hurt me, but that is because of who you are, not who I am".  Forgiveness IS saying "hating you is only holding me back from my future".  Forgiveness IS saying "wanting revenge is keeping me tied to you".  Forgiveness IS saying "I forgive you for your part in our relationship breakdown, because I forgive myself for my part too and now it's time to move on".

Forgiveness is so important if we want to heal and it is much more than just forgetting and moving on, because it is a conscious decision.  When we think about all the horrible things our ex did or said, we don't FEEL like forgiving them.  That's why forgiveness has to be a conscious decision that we choose to act upon.

Forgiveness is liberating because it is about allowing our ex to be who ever the hell they want to be without it weighing down on us.  They want to be a spiteful cow or a cheating ass, well let them be, it has nothing to do with us. We don't have to use up our energy and time judging them and trying to work out why they did what they did.  We don't have to justify why we left our relationship.  We just have to forgive. Let them Be!  We don't have to like them, we can't improve their behaviour or their personality.  Forgiveness is saying "I am not responsible for you, I now accept that you are who you are".

Forgiveness is also about accepting an apology from our ex and accepting apology does not mean you condone what they did, it just means you refuse to be kept a prisoner to the past. You will not be held hostage any longer.

Forgiveness is freedom and a way of saying I have emptied my bag of sh*t and refuse to carry it around any longer - I am now ready to love and be loved.