Samantha De Bono Counselling Bromley

Bromley & Harley Street

tel: 07588 931 401

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The chaos of Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

A person with BPD actually craves and desperately wants a good relationship but the reason they don't get this need met, is because they unconsciously sabotage any positive relationships they have. Why? Because above all else, people with BPD fear abandonment and when a relationship cannot fill their emptiness or fulfil all their desperate needs, it confirms to them that they will never really be loved, they tend to believe then, that there is only one thing that could possibly happen from here… Abandonment.

Sabotaging the relationship feels less terrifying than being left alone again and generally speaking, this isn't done maliciously, but is born from fear.

The person on the receiving end of BPD mood swings are met with disappointment and rage which can be hurtful and confusing, but people with BPD don't think about the effects of their behaviour at the time and live primarily in a reactive state. They are impulsive and irresponsible, and behaviours such as drug and/or alcohol abuse, gambling, sexual promiscuity, self injury and suicidal behaviour are not uncommon.

The person with BPD can show rapid mood swings such as happiness, anger, hurt, calmness and rage all within the same day or even the same hour, which makes living with this person exceptionally difficult.  Partners and loved ones of people with BPD describe it as living with a timebomb, or never knowing what will happen next and feeling constantly anxious.

If you are in a relationship with a person with BPD, no doubt you want to love them and to feel loved by them, so learning about the disorder can be helpful. Understanding the disorder will help you gain clarity on the ever-changing state of your relationship, but this does not mean you should have to accept what it's doing to your personal well-being. You are not their therapist and nor should you be, as this could make things far worse because taking any kind of responsibility for a person BPD is likely to end up in you being to blame. 

Speaking of therapists, it might be helpful for you to see one yourself for support.  Being in a relationship with a person with BPD is often chaotic and can cause you to feel confused, so speaking to someone who understands what you are likely to be going through can help you to keep in touch with reality.

It is important not to take their behaviour personally. Understand that it is hard to control BPD emotions and they are unlikely to get back on a level ground for sometime once they have unleashed their extreme emotions and you are likely to be mistreated by your partner. Having said that, just because your partner has BPD does not mean you should allow yourself to be abused emotionally, mentally or physically.

Having BPD does not make it acceptable to abuse. So if you are experiencing the effects of a BPD relationship, speak to someone impartial and set boundaries in your relationship and don't allow your partner to break them down. You are a person too. You deserve respect and regard and to feel loved. Nothing should detract from that.