Samantha De Bono Counselling Bromley

Bromley & Harley Street

tel: 07588 931 401

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Repeating Relationship Patterns

by Samantha De Bono

A question I get asked regularly by clients is "Why are all men/women like that?" and my regular response is; "They're not...". If every partner you have is like that, it's because you picked them, not because that's all there is.

I know you're thinking "Why on earth would I pick a partner like that? That's not what I want at all." And to a certain extent you would be right.

But think of it this way – we all have an 'A' List and a 'B' List. Our A list is what we want – happy, caring, affectionate, funny, supportive, etc. Our B list is what we get – moody, critical, distant, unfaithful, abusive. Why is that? Well it's because the A list is set up in our conscious mind, and the B list is lodged in our unconscious mind and because we access our unconscious without even being aware that we are doing so, the unconscious tends to win.

Our unconscious is formed by our childhood experiences, even the negative ones. Children living in an abusive household where there is trauma, or living with consistent criticism, don't know any better, they think it's normal and that they are to blame. We end up with wounds that never heal, and end up unconsciously looking for someone who repeats the patterns of our childhood, so we can be good enough to get their approval – the approval we never had in our childhood.

I know it's difficult to believe, but remember, these conditions were set up in our unconscious when we were children. Children trust and look up to their parents from the very beginning, how those parents behave, becomes that child's guideline to the future, like a blueprint of how relationships are conducted. This is why the children of abusers often marry abusers, but it happens to all of us, in one way or another. This summary is a very simplified version of the process, obviously, but it plays out in our relationships all the time.

Any repeating pattern you see in your relationships is no accident. It's a clue to what's buried in your unconscious. Accessing those core beliefs and understanding where they come from can really help break patterns that have previously been thought of as "just my luck"!