Samantha De Bono Counselling Bromley

Bromley & Harley Street

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Single? Where Is The Love?

by Samantha De Bono

If you are single and looking for love, you are not alone..... oh wait.... yes you are, but you're not, if you get what I mean.
Single people the world over are looking for Mister or Miss Right, so what's happening? Why haven't they hooked up yet? If you're single, you are probably sick and tired of the waiting. The times I've heard people say they can't imagine meeting the right person and worry that they're destined for a life of microwave meals for one.

Dating should fill you with enthusiasm, excitement and happiness, but all too often, dating leads to despair and disillusionment.

Okay, so now I've told you what you already know, I guess you want to know what the special "Finding Love Formula" is don't you. Um....well.... there isn't one as such, but there are quite a few things you can do to increase your chances of finding and keeping love.

Be Open Minded:

It is possible that you have 'a type' which is okay, but if you are rigid in your thinking, you may be limiting yourself. For example, if you want tall, dark and sporty, earns X, drives Z, lives in Bla-Bla, you could be passing up the coolest person ever, because he/she isn't tall or sporty, is blonde, earns B, doesn't drive and lives in Ra-Ra not Bla-Bla. In other words you have a 'Rigid Template'.

Now, I'm not saying you should give up all your relationship needs, there are non-negotiable values that you should keep firm. However, you may be passing up a possible connection, because you're dismissing all the people who don't fit with your Rigid Template. Ask yourself if your 'Template' is realistic or whether you are living in a Hollywood film.

Another possible reason you have a Rigid Template may be to stop people getting too close. I know it sounds contradictory, after all, I'm talking about you looking for love, but although you may want to find a partner, you may be afraid of intimacy and so your Rigid Template could be an effective tool to deal with your fear by rejecting prospective partners.

Know Your Self-Worth:

There is nobody quite like you! You are unique and incredibly special, be proud of that, flaunt it, love it – Love yourself! No, I don't mean thinking you're so cool that you have trouble fitting your big head through the doorway – nobody likes an egotist. I mean, acknowledge your strengths AND your weaknesses, but don't beat yourself up over your weaknesses – admit them, accept them and work on them – that in itself is a strength! . When you start to value yourself, you raise your self esteem which improves your self-image and believe it or not, the moment you accept and value yourself, your external image goes up too – you have what others are attracted to, what others want to be a part of – you just have to accept and love who you are.

Knowing what your strengths are, will help you to identify what you have to offer a potential partner. And although I've already said this, it's true and I want you to hear it again – you will actually start to attract people into your life that also recognise your strengths and your self worth. The down side to this law is that it works the other way around too – if you think you are s**t, you will attract s**t, so if you are wondering why you keep meeting people who don't show you love and respect, ask yourself how much love and respect you give yourself. It's up to you!.

It's up to you to feel good about yourself. Too many singles get caught in the trap of looking for a partner who will validate them and help them feel good about themselves. This strategy is utterly doomed from the start because you are handing the control to someone else. If they don't call when you are expecting them to, you feel down – the moment they call, you feel happy again. If they want to spend the night with friends without you, you feel hurt and rejected and when they ask to see you, you are up and the world is okay again. Does that sound familiar? Your entire world hangs in the balance whilst you wait to find out how you are meant to be feeling at any given time.

Start by validating yourself and learning to love who you are, then watch what happens. Go on, what have you got to lose? Live your life for YOU, do things for yourself – as long as it's legal and won't land you in prison, do it! Enjoy being you!

Learn From The Past:

Every one of us has past experiences that impact on us somehow. It's very unlikely that anyone can go through life and not be affected by family, teachers/school, bullies, friends, work or former relationships.

Each of those experiences are stored for future reference, which can help or hinder the way you respond to different situations later on in your life. It becomes a problem when negative past experiences, triggered by current ones, cause you to respond as if you were in the past. For example, if you've been neglected, rejected or betrayed in a past relationship, you may have decided that you will never trust anyone again – you may not even be aware that you've made that decision; it's more of a feeling than a thought. This becomes a major issue when you are trying to form an intimate connection later in life, where trust is essential for the relationship to develop. As you get close to your new partner, your unconscious mind calls on its stored references and pulls out the file with all that negative data you stored from before. You may start to distrust the new person in your life which causes you to behave jealously or possessively or try to control your new partner. You may withdraw from the relationship in an attempt to protect yourself from perceived hurt.

All of this is understandable, but also destructive to you and your future relationships. Being aware of unresolved hurt from your past and understanding where your feelings and behaviours stem from, can unblock resistance in the present, leaving you emotionally available and open to meet someone you can build a loving and trusting relationship with.