Samantha De Bono Counselling Bromley

Bromley & Harley Street

tel: 07588 931 401

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The Bully

Following on from my previous blog (Signs you are in an abusive relationship) meet The Bully.

You will find that The Bully chooses to control you by intimidation. Shouting and swearing at you, giving you “that” look (you know the one). Driving at high speed and so dangerously that you got scared. Well that was your Bully partner flexing his/her bullying muscles so you would “behave” and he/she would get their own way. That’s Bullying and it’s Abusive.

You know those times when your partner has been angry and you have felt like a cat on a hot tin roof, trying to plicate, and cajole? Yep, that’s your Bullying partner controlling you by making you so nervous and uneasy that you make his/her anger YOUR problem.

When your partner sulks and you get that anxious feeling that things could go very badly from here, that is NOT a normal feeling. A normal relationship does not induce panic and anxiety. When your partner breaks or smashes things in the house when he gets mad, it’s not okay, it’s bullying. It’s sending you a message to be scared, be afraid, do what I say, make me happy, make this YOUR problem.

When your partner argues with you by shouting and screaming and not allowing you to get a word in, fires questions at you but doesn’t give you time to answer – that is not how it should be. You are being bullied by this person who has one goal in mind and that is to control you and get his/her own way.

Why does your partner do this?

Because he/she can! There is no question that The Bully’s believes his/her behaviour is justified in some way. He/she will accuse you of being dramatic or pathetic if you tell them that this behaviour is abusive, because he/she knows that Bullying gets him/her what he/she wants.

This behaviour has been learned in childhood and continued through to present day. They might have seen a parent behaving exactly the same way or siblings bullying or being bullied.He/she may have been bullied at school, building the belief that Bullying works.

But actually what ever the reason The Bully bullies, is irrelevant. They have no right to make you walk on egg shells, feel constantly on edge unable to relax waiting for the next outburst, fearful of upsetting him/her.

But what about you? You count, you are important and you have the right to feel comfortable, calm and safe. You deserve to be with a partner who shows you respect and regard, consideration and understanding, patience and care. It really isn’t a myth, these people do exist. A partner who appreciates you and cares about you will talk to you and laugh with you, listen to your opinion and views and what’s more will allow you to have your own opinion and views. Not only is this person your partner, but they are your friend.